Healing is often imagined as a straight path from pain to peace. Many people expect that once they begin doing the work, whether through therapy, self-reflection, support from others, or personal growth, they will steadily move forward with fewer struggles, fewer setbacks, and fewer difficult days.
When reality does not match that expectation, discouragement often follows. Someone might notice that they’re handling situations differently, communicating more effectively, or responding to stress in healthier ways, then something happens that seems to pull them backward. That could be if an old wound is triggered, a familiar fear resurfaces, or a difficult season brings emotions they thought they had already worked through. It’s not uncommon for people to interpret these moments as evidence that they’re failing or that their progress has somehow disappeared. In reality, healing rarely unfolds in a straight line.
Growth often involves periods of progress, moments of reflection, unexpected setbacks, and opportunities to revisit experiences from a new and different perspective. What appears to be moving backward is often part of the healing process itself. As people gain greater awareness and understanding, they often begin noticing patterns that were previously hidden, such as experiences that once went unquestioned might be easier to recognize, and reactions that once seemed automatic now become more apparent. This new-found awareness can be and feel uncomfortable.
There are times when healing feels empowering and hopeful, and there are also times when it feels frustrating, exhausting, or painfully slow. The healing journey requires us to confront experiences, emotions, behaviors, and beliefs that might’ve been buried for years. While insight can be liberating, it can also bring difficult realities into focus.
One of the reasons people become discouraged is because they measure healing by the absence of struggle. They assume that if they still feel anxious, sad, angry, or triggered by certain situations, they must not be making progress. However, healing is not measured by whether difficult emotions continue to appear. It’s often reflected in how we respond when they do.
For instance, a person who once avoided difficult conversations might now be willing to engage in them. Someone who spent years criticizing themselves might begin responding with greater self-compassion. An individual who previously ignored their own needs might start setting boundaries, even when it feels uncomfortable. These changes may seem small, but they often represent significant growth.
The process of healing also requires patience. Most of the patterns discussed throughout this series did not develop overnight. Trauma responses, people-pleasing, shame, and deeply rooted beliefs often formed over years of experiences, relationships, and repeated messages. It is understandable that changing those patterns takes time as well. This doesn’t mean progress is impossible. It simply means that healing is a process rather than a destination.
There will be days when growth feels obvious and days when it’s difficult to see. There may even be moments when old thoughts, emotions, behaviors, or reactions return, creating the impression that nothing has changed. Yet returning to a familiar struggle doesn’t mean you’re starting over. More often, it means you’re encountering it with greater awareness, understanding, and resources than you had before. That distinction matters because healing isn’t about becoming a completely different person. It is about developing a different relationship with yourself, your experiences, and the challenges you face along the way.
Dr. Paula's Reflection
Progress isn’t always easy to recognize when you’re living through it. I’ve found that many people overlook meaningful growth because they’re focused on what’s still difficult rather than noticing what has already changed. One of the most common mistakes people make is assuming that healing should feel like a steady climb upward. As a result, they become discouraged when they encounter a difficult or challenging day or situation, a painful memory, or a familiar struggle. They look at this specific moment in front of them and conclude that they must not be making progress.
Growth often becomes visible when you look at the bigger picture rather than a single moment. The question isn’t whether you still have difficult days; it’s whether you’re responding to them using the same patterns or differently than you once did. Are you showing yourself more compassion? Are you recognizing patterns more quickly? Are you making choices that better align with the person you are becoming?
As you reflect on your own journey, consider whether you may be measuring healing by perfection rather than progress. Then take a moment to identify one way you respond to challenges differently today than you did a day ago, a week ago, a month ago, or even a year ago. The answer might reveal growth that has been present all along, even if it hasn’t always been easy to see.
